GOOD BYE, BLOG THING.

   I've seen him. SEEN him

   He took her and she's with him now. With them. THAT BASTARD TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!

   They were right where I knew they would be. YOU knew they would be there too, Blog thing. You were always smart like that.

   They were right there in the woods. Right in the same clearing where he had displayed Steve & Cynthia. Did I tell you he had placed them facing each other? Yep, even in death they couldn't stop gawking at each other, heh. I fucking saw him! Really saw him! Holy shit holy shit I gotta keep it together. Gotta finish this. Why the fuck do I have to finish this, Blog thing? What the fuck? 

   Keep it together, Tommy boy… Yeah I’m cool. Everything’s fine, I’m just a guy writing on the Blog thing, see? You’re my center, Blog thing. You’re a brick.

   He was standing there - easily 9 feet tall. She was standing in front of him facing me and he had his hands on her shoulder, much the way a parent would with their child. Child... kids. OH GOD all those children. They were THERE! standing among the trees, just watching. watching with their little empty eyes. Watching us. Watching HIM. SEEING HIM! No, gotta keep centered. Hold on to my mind. gotta finish this. You have to know, Blog thing. I need to tell you this.

   I called to her, but she just stood there, staring right through me, like in a trance. Sure, like a magician. He's a magician and she's his assistant. Presto change-o, don't look away-o! Keepin it together, see?

   I didn't look away. I couldn't move. I could hardly breath.

   And then the magic man applied his trade. A thing... tentacle, whatever suddenly appeared from behind his back. It came to a wicked looking point and it glided gracefully over his shoulder and arched downward toward Steph.

   I knew what he was about to do, and I knew that he had her positioned so that I would see the whole thing.

   The tentacle paused briefly in front of Steph's chest and then drew back slightly. I started screaming. I was begging for him to stop.

   He didn't give me time to get the first word out. Sick fuck SICK FUCK!

   That tentacle flicked at Steph and then withdrew. It was fast enough that her hair fluttered slightly. She didn't even flinch.

   I was about to scream again. How long was he going to continue to play these games? He cocked his head slightly as though he could read my mind, and then, as if in rebuttal to my mental question, Steph's shirt fell open.

   It had been a perfectly clean cut right through the fabric... of both shirt and woman. My query over Cynthia's PJ's was answered as the red line suddenly appeared trailing from the base of Steph's neck down past her navel. As the line became a trickle of blood, the Slender Man's hands, which were still resting on Steph's shoulders, were now a second pair of hands, which reached down over her wound. He forced his long fingers into the cut where it bisected her chest and pulled, opening my beautiful girlfriend's torso, ribs popping as they spread.

   Again she never flinched, my Steph. My Steph.

   Numerous tentacles now unfolded from the magician's back like the tail of a peacock. Some ended in chitinous claws, some human-esque hands, others tipped similarly to the one that opened up the woman I love. They all went into action - a flurry of motion as he began to systematically dissect my love.

   A hand would reach in and single out an organ while a cutting tentacle would flick at it, cutting it free. Then from seemingly nowhere another tentacle would appear with a plastic bag, wrap the organ carefully, but efficiently, and then place it back into the body cavity. Tentacles swarmed over my darling Steph yet they never completely blocked my view. He wanted to be sure I saw everything.

   The tentacles removed, wrapped, and replaced every organ, finishing with the heart - which was still beating at the time that tentacle flicked at it, cutting it free of her body. The whole thing took less than a minute.. The most amazing woman I have ever known was cleaned out and neatly packaged before she was even dead.

   And she never flinched.

   As his tentacles withdrew again, one of the remaining cutters whipped out, taking the end off of a tree branch roughly fifteen feet off the ground, leaving it wickedly pointed. The Slender Man gently lifted my Steph off the ground, poised her over the prepared branch, and smoothly impaled her upon it.

   I don't know if it was dying nerves or reflexes or her life finally leaving her, but at the instant the branch slid into her back, she flinched.

   I snapped back to what, reality? For the briefest of moments - just long enough to look down and see the homemade grenade I was holding in my hand. The weapon designed to burn hot enough to melt metal flesh bone and rock, hot enough to burn underwater. Hot enough to fell mighty Cthulhu?

   I pulled the pin and threw. He was still admiring his work when the grenade him in the shoulder. There was a pop and a sound like a phone book being torn in half. A new star bloomed for a second where the Slender Man had been. I shielded myself from the indescribable light and heat of it, and as the light started to fade I could still see... him... it... the horror... at the center of the conflagration .

The      facade      had         slipped

   I saw him. His true nature. I caught the fucker off guard and for an instant of an instant he was revealed to me.

   Or was it the facade beneath the facade? How many masks do they wear, the gods of men?

   I SAW him, don't you understand? If I plucked my eyes free of my head I could never undo this.

   I'm screaming. I'm screaming as I write this. Have been since I ran from the fire. Can't seem to stop.

   Burnt the woods down. Burning out of control now. Sorry about that. Didn't help. He's coming anyway.

   Don't want to see this in my head anymore. Don't want to see him in my head. Don’t want to see that.

   So sorry Steph my Steph I loved you I failed you. He's here, Blog thing. Outside. He's waiting for me. For my embrace. He’s waiting. I made him angry but still he’s patient. He knows. He knows he will win so he waits and he watches. He’s watching me now I can feel him.

   I'll go to him. Don't want this anymore. One grenade left. Maybe I'll use it. Maybe I’ll walk right into his arms with the pin pulled. Maybe I won't. She never flinched. I don't want to flinch. Just want to end. Just want to end. Just want it to end. No more sleep. No more dreams. No more dreams. No more sleep.

   Sleep, those little slices of death. Oh, how I loathe them.

ENDGAME

   Steph's not answering her phone. She's not at her place or at Steve & Cynthia's.

   That son of a bitch got her. I know it. I can feel him laughing at me. That's fine. I know where he has her.

   I only had time enough to make two grenades. No time to test the detonators. I hope they work. I hope it's enough.

SCIENCE LESSONS

   My arm feels like it's about to fall off.

   Did all the reading on our skinny friend that I could. Seems no one knows how to kill it. It's some kind of spirit/ancient evil/godlike power type of thing... Cthulhu fhtagn my ass.

   Well we'll see how untouchable he is. Been doing some reading on some other things as well. Hey, Blog thing, did you know that Thermite burns at over FOUR THOUSAND degrees? See how impressed I was? I even spelled out 4,000.

   Did you also know that thermite is surprisingly easy to produce? Yes sir, Blog thing. I've been very busy today.

   Shit. Been so busy I forgot to tell Steph to get out of town.

SLENDER MAN

   I know what it is now. And it knows that I know.

   It's almost funny how easy it was to find. I just typed in "tall thin man in suit no face" and that was that. Site after site describing exactly what I've been encountering and refering to it by the same name:

   The Slender Man

   According to the internet he doesn't exist. I even traced back to the original forum thing where he was "created"... saw all the doctored pictures. Some of them were really pretty close to real, but they all confirmed that he was just some creepy figment of someone's particularly vivid imagination.

   I'm being stalked by something that doesn't exist. How funny is that? In fact I even almost laughed when I looked up and saw him standing over me.


   Up until now I had only seen him from a distance. Let me tell you, Blog thing, up close is a whole other universe. His suit is actually rather nicely taylored. It's not really black and it's not really grey. It's really more of an intricate black and grey pattern, like a herringbone but not really. I've never seen a pattern like it. Beneath the suit jacket is a very pristine white shirt - wouldn't surprise me if it was made of spider silk or some exotic shit like that. Topping it all off, a blood tie. It literally looked like it was made out of blood. It was such a rich, deep, dark red that it was almost black, glistening like no silk or satin I've ever seen.

   That was the outfit... then there was the costume. At least that's what its skin looked like. Jaundiced pale yellowish... dead looking skin stretched over something it wasn't made for. There was definite structure under that face.... lack of face...  but the skin just didn't seem to fit right. Like inside it was something entirely different from the outside. It's hard to explain.

   And then there were those creepy movements like in my dream. It's like this whole thing's presence is a facade. Like underneath is something even more intangible. Even more deadly.

   The words were halfway out of my mouth before I realized I was even saying them:

   "Slender Man."

   I swear if it had eyes it would have winked at me, judging by the way it dipped it's head in response.

   My head's already pretty fucked up with everything going on and I gotta tell you, at this point tears are streaming down my face and I swear I'm about to lose everything I've ever eaten in my life. I scream at it.

   "What do you want?"

   You know what that fucker does then? He stretches out those ridiculous arms like he wants a hug. What's even crazier? I almost give him one! It's like I want to just go to him and let him wrap those long arms (not arms) around me and then everything will be okay.

   I even catch myself taking a step forward when out of nowhere a question pops into my head:

   Is this how it was for Steve and Cynthia? For all those kids? Is this how he lured them away? Away into the trees?

   I turned and ran out of the apartment - screaming like a lunatic.

   I know Slender Man is real. I think he entered the popular culture because he's kind of hardwired into our psyche, like a sort of instinctual understanding of what's really lurking in the dark. I personally think he's always been out there, but if somehow you've all managed to create him with all of your pictures and stories and cartoons, then fuck you.

   Fuck you all for what you brought into this world.

DISCOVERIES

   I was driving back to my apartment and I saw him again. In the same fucking place in the woods. I was done with all This fucking around, so I slammed on my brakes and got out of the car. The fucker was gone, but I went in after him.

   I got maybe 5 feet in and saw the sunlight reflecting red off of a car's tail lights. The car was in just far enough so that it wasn't visible from the road. My blood was up. I was gonna drag that guy out of his car and beat the ever loving shit out of him.

   So I charged in, already spouting a few choice phrases.... he wasn't in the car. And I knew why. It was Steve's car.

   I immediately called the cops. Other than looking in the windows I didn't want to touch the car. I've seen too many cop shows. Wasn't about to disturb a crime scene.

   I knew I had between 5 and 10 minutes before the cops showed, so I backed away from the car (crimescene) and started to kind of wander around while listening for those sirens.

   This is fucking hard for me to write, Blog thing. I don't even really know why I am. I kind of need to, I guess.

   I fucking found them, Blog thing.

   I was walking around the trees, waiting for the cops. Should have just waited by the car. Something wet splatted on my head. Thought a fucking bird had bombed me. Wiped my head while ducking away and looking up at the same time.

   I didn't even register what I was seeing until I looked back down at my hand and saw the red...

   Blood. Cynthia's fucking blood...

   She was 15, maybe 20 feet up. Her feet were caked in dirt and blood. That's what I saw first. The little details. I'll never forget the little details. They're permanently carved on my brain, like that shit on my door. Her PJ's looked like they'd been cut open. The buttons were still in the loops, attached to a thin strip of fabric that had been cut away from the rest. Her chest... God help me her entire front was sliced up the middle - I stood there staring at it. The first real thought I would have when my brain started working again was wondering if the slice up her belly and chest matched the cut on her PJ's... how fucked up is that???

   Her ribs were separated by the jagged tree branch poking out between them from behind. She'd been sliced open and then impaled on a branch a good 20 feet up. Who would do that? HOW THE FUCK DOES SOMEONE DO THAT?

   Something snapped in my head and suddenly I was feeling very vulnerable out there in the woods and needed to get out of there. I turned to run and that's when I saw Steve. He was already starting to change colors, but I knew it was him. My best fucking friend and his wife, gutted and hung up like fucking slaughtered pigs.

   I completely lost it. Next thing I remember I'm sitting on the curb by my car and some cop is putting a blanket around me. Why the fuck do cops always wrap people up in blankets, anyway?

   I don't know how they are going to get them down. The hook and ladder was too big to back into the woods. I heard something about a cherry picker but I don't know.

   Someone said there was something unusual about the condition of the bodies... you mean besides them being impaled on tree branches? I don't know what they were talking about. One cop with a high powered flashlight saw what he thought was plastic in their body cavities.

   Isn't it amazing what cops will say in front of you when they think you're catatonic?

   I couldn't tell them what I saw... What I have been seeing. No one would believe me. I need to know who/ what this fuck knuckle is and how to kill his fuckin evil no-face havin ass.

   You've helped me with everything else, internet. Help me now.

CYNTHIA

Cynthia’s gone.

Steph woke me up around 7 this morning. Cynthia wasn’t anywhere in the house. The car is still in the driveway and it doesn’t look like any of her clothes were taken. Seems she got up and just left the house in her pj’s at some time in the night.

Steph was even sharing the bed with her and she never heard her get up. She’s afraid that with the condition Cynthia’s been in, she might do something stupid.

The police got right on looking for Cynthia, since Steve is already missing.

I’m thinking Cynthia had nothing to do with her disappearance. Just too many damned coincidences.

Is it really no-face Jack Skellington? Or am I just completely bat shit crazy?

You know the weirdest thing? I think I nodded off around midnight. I slept through till 7 with no interruptions. Not 1 dream.

GHOSTS & GOBLINS

   Some shit’s goin on, but I don’t think it’s just me bein’ crazy anymore.

   I hope.

   New news on the net about another missing kid. This time the article points out similarities to a rash of child disappearances 15 years ago.

   I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep or what, but ever since I heard about that kid describing Jack Skellington, I’m thinking those abductions and what’s going on with me has gotta be connected somehow… So I do some searching on Cynthia's computer about the older case.

   Same situation - kids go missing in broad daylight. No suspects seen. One site had pictures of all the kids…

   Wednesday and Pugsley, Blog thing. Right there on that page. They were the last two victims. Brother and sister. Aged  7 and 8 at the time of their disappearances - 15 years ago!

   Ghosts, Blog thing? Am I really seeing fucking ghosts? Can ghosts carve crazy shit on a door? How can it be the same kids? They would be graduating college by now!

   There’s some hardcore Twilight Zone shit going on here. I’m about ready to freak the fuck out right here in Cynthia’s living room… again!

   No…no… I’m cool. I’m cool…. Dammit…

R & R?

   I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to sleep or else… so I took some of those  homeopathic pills again. Told myself they were just nightmares and they can’t hurt me.

   Somehow I managed to get 7 hours of sleep in. Of course I woke up paranoid as fuck in sheets soaked with sweat. I don’t remember what I dreamed about, but I’m just uneasy now… That’s not normal.

   I feel better than I did... but not by much.

   Talked with Steph on the phone. Still no sign of Steve. Going back over to stay with Steph and Cynthia. We have to learn something soon, right?

SLEEP, THOSE LITTLE SLICES OF DEATH

I need sleep, but I don’t want to sleep, but I have to sleep, but I’m afraid to.

You ever have that happen, Blog thing?

   Spent the night sitting in a chair in Cynthia’s living room in a zombie-like state while everyone else zipped around me at the speed of light. Cynthia’s a mess and Steph and I are trying to be her rock. She doesn’t look good, Blog thing. I’m worried about her…

   So yeah, I forget when it happened, but at one point I couldn’t walk anymore and just flopped down into the lay-z-boy and vegged.

   Then I saw him. Mr. Fucky fuck Skinny no face skelly guy - right the fuck there standing in the corner of Cynthia’s living room! Even without a face I could tell he was grinning at me like some legendary prankster.

   Next thing I know I’ve got Steph in my face yelling at me. Apparently I went kind of bugshit and jumped up out of the chair screaming. Cynthia almost had a heart attack.

   When  I finally got it together Steph told me I had been passed out in the chair. It was nothing but a bad dream.

   I can’t take much more of this shit, Blog thing. Apparently neither could Cynthia. She had Steph send me home.

   I swear I’m losin’ it.

OH SKELLY SKELLY

   Thought I saw old no-face Jack Skellington again. I was driving back to Cynthias and caught glimpse of him by the woods - in the same place I saw him last time… There has to be something there that’s catching the light wrong or something… I don’t know.

   So much going on tonight with the police finally getting off their asses and helping to look for Steve, but that damned blank face is all I can seem to think about.

   If I don’t get some sleep soon I think I’m gonna have some sort of break down.

PUGSLEY RETURNS

   Shitty day, Blog thing.

   Didn’t sleep at all. Surprised? Not this guy.

   Spent most of the day with Steph and Cynthia. I think we called every person Steve’s ever associated with in his entire life. No one’s seen him. It’s like he just disappeared off the face of the Earth.

   We called and talked to his boss and got the same response we got last night. No one remembers seeing him leave work.

   I have no idea what’s going on.

   To make matters worse, I ran home to check my phone messages, just in case, and who do I see giving me the stink eye from the corner in front of my complex? None other than Pugsley, the little rat bastard.

   He didn’t say anything and I didn’t see Wednesday, but when I got to my apartment I knew where she had been.

   Right there on my door, in the same exact place that had taken me a good half an hour to scrub clean, a nice new circle with an “X” through it. This time they took it a step further and actually carved it into my fucking door. And right under it, as if they hadn’t done enough, they etched into the door “HE IS WATCHING YOU”

   Well thanks, Pugsley, you little piece of shit. Are you watching me now? Cuz I’m flipping you  right the fuck off!

   As if I’m not dealing with enough shit, now I gotta deal with dumbshit pygmy vandals.

STEVE

   Cynthia called at around 9 PM.

   Steve never came home… He’s never been the type to grab a drink after work - those two are like bunnies, if you get my meaning. There’s nowhere he’d rather be than at home with her.

   His cell phone rings, so it isn’t turned off, but no one answers. I called everyone I know that he works with, but no one remembers seeing him leave work.

   Of course the police are no help yet, They straight up told Cynthia that unless there was any indication that his life was in danger they wouldn’t even start looking into it until 24 hours have passed.

   Steph’s staying with Cynthia tonight. I’ve got my phone on in case anything happens.

   I’m exhausted.

   Still doubt I’ll get any sleep.

PATSY CLINE AIN'T THE ONLY CRAZY ONE

   I think I’m Hallucinating, Blog thing.

   I was jogging by the woods… the same route I take every day. I could swear I saw him, Blog thing. Mother fucking Jack Skellington, standing right there in the trees! He was right there! I don’t mean I caught glimpse out of the corner of my eye of some old stump or something, either. I was staring straight at the mother fucker, and then he’s just… gone.

   The worst part is… fucker didn’t have a face… Nothing at all. I mean what the fuck?

   I need some real sleep, man… I think I might be starting to crack up.

SLEEP, THOSE LITTLE SLICES

   Looks like I’m not sleeping tonight.

   Too creeped out when I’m awake, constant bad dreams when I’m asleep.

   What the Hell’s wrong with me, Blog thing?

CREEP-A-RAMA RISES

   The plot thickens, Blog thing.

   So while at dinner, Steph sees a couple of friends of hers at another table and stops to say hi. After some quick catching up we find out that these friends of hers were at the birthday party where the latest child abduction happened. Obviously they are still shook up about it because their daughter could just as easily have been taken.

   Well, they let slip something that didn’t make it into the papers. Their daughter keeps claiming that she saw the victim walking off with someone. When they asked her to describe the guy she said he looked like Jack Skellington.

   For some reason that sent a chill down my spine. Now, looking at pictures of him on line, I can’t help but think back to that vivid dream I had last week.

GET DOWN TONIGHT

Dinner date with Steph!

First night out since the weekend. Anxious to catch up! 

Getting ready to head out now. Been dragging my feet till now. She energizes me, Blog thing. 

She energizes me.

LITTLE SLICES

   Today is suckin hard, Blog thing.

   Every time I fall asleep I have some seriously fucked up dreams. Damned creepy kids.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY

   Is the full moon out or something? There’s some crazy shit goin on today and it ain’t even funny!

   So I’m walking back home from the store and I get right in front of my apartment and I hear this kid’s voice.

   “Excuse me, sir”

   Real proper like. And I turn around and there’s two kids standing there. A boy and a girl, probably around 8 years old. Look like they could be brother and sister. They ask me if I could let them in to use the phone to call their father to come for them. Literally that’s how they said it, “We would like to call our father to come for us”

   Does that sound weird to anyone? Well it doesn’t end there. I’m looking at these kids and I’m getting this total weird vibe off of them, like total “spider sense tingling” sort of thing. They are both so pale they’re almost gray and they look like they’re drugged out or something - you expect to see that look on a junkie, but not a pair of 8 year olds!

   So I tell them to go to the front office so they can call from there and there’ll be someone to wait with them until their dad shows up. The boy then tells me that there was no one in the office.

   By now I’ve got like fire alarms going off in my head. There’s ALWAYS someone in the front office. These weird, creepy little bastards are lying to me. So I tell them I’m in a hurry and to go to the office. Then they start pressing the matter.

   “Let us in so we can call our father to come for us.” “You do want him to come for us, don’t you?” “Let us in and he will come for us”

   Now I’ve had enough of this, so I tell them one more time to go to the front office and I turn and start heading up the front steps. Then I hear them coming up behind me. I turn around and they’re like RIGHT THERE. So I tell them to get out of here before I call security, Then the GIRL pipes up saying:

   “There’s nothing to be afraid of, sir. We won’t harm you.”

   And the boy goes “We CAN’T hurt you, we’re only children.” and then they both start saying “let us in” like it’s some kind of chant.

   Now this is already creepy, but this is where I finally put on the brakes. First off, What 8 year old kid says things like “There’s nothing to be afraid of, we won’t harm you” and “We’re only children”????? Secondly, yeah. They ARE children, and I have absolutely no reason to be afraid of either of them, yet I’m getting this hardcore vibe like hurting me is exactly what they intend to do. So I finally yell at them, and I have no idea why I worded it exactly like this:

   “You’re not invited in! Get out of here! Now!”

   And they both stop cold. I open the door to my apartment and go in, but as I’m slamming the door I hear one last thing from them:

   “He will come for us” “He IS coming”

   I swear that’s the fucking creepiest thing I’ve ever experienced. What’s worse is I sat there for a half an hour listening to hear them walking back down the steps, cuz if you’ve ever lived in an apartment complex you know those cheap steps outside are loud as Hell… nothing… I never hear them leave. It starts getting close to 40 minutes going by and I haven’t even put my groceries away yet and I’m standing at the door certain that if I look out the peep hole I’ll see Wednesday and Pugsley standing there staring back at me.

   So Finally I’m like fuck it and I throw open the door to tell them that I’m calling the cops.

   Nothing. Gone.

   But not forgotten. Those two little assholes tagged up my door with a magic marker. A great big circle with an “X” through it… Some sort of kindergarten gang tag?

   Whatever. I’m creeped out now.

LE SIGH

   Sweet bloody hell, Blog thing.

   Seems I can’t even get through one night without Steph here. It’s late, I’m wide awake and I miss her.

STILL GOING

   Hello, Blog thing!

   I know it's been a couple of days since I posted anything, but can you blame me? Life is great! I've got an amazing girl, great friends and I'm even sleeping again!

   Well, for the most part, anyway. Steph says I toss and turn in my sleep like I'm fighting with someone. Strange thing is I haven't remembered a single dream of mine since last week. I'll consider that a plus!

   Now don't go getting all depressed on me, Blog thing, your job isn't done just yet. I need to make sure this new "sleeping" thing sticks.

   Steph needed to go home to get some rest (heh) and get back to work, and I suppose I need to do the same. It helps that I work at home.

HELL FROZE OVER

   Blog thingy.... I don't even know where to start. A lot of last night is just fuzzy.

   I remember Steph looking mind blowing. This woman could make a garbage bag look good, but when she gets all made up? It's like a choir of angels follow her around with a spotlight.

   I remember giving Steve and Cynthia their gift, and I remember their reactions being somewhat surprising - they were more excited about it than I had expected. And I remember being ON the pole at one point. Don't ask- I'm sure I wasn't as good at it as I thought I was being at the time.

   I also remember Steph telling me I shouldn't be driving myself home. Beyond that everything is a blur of sensation and lack thereof. I want to think I remember a brief moment of extacy, but I can't guarantee that that wasn't a dream. I DO remember some weird dream about being watched…

   Anyways, the next morning I found myself lying naked in my bed right next to the barely covered by the sheet naked form of none other than Steph!

   I know, Blog thing, I know!

   Now regretfully,  my anti-hangover preparations weren't entirely successful, but they had worked well enough that I was determined not to let this moment slip away in the standard "oh my god I was so drunk last night let's just pretend it never happened" next day regret, so I slipped out of bed as quietly as possible, cleaned up, gargled, then snuck back into bed, woke her up in a very tender way, and never gave her a chance to second guess her actions.

   We spent most of the day right there. She literally just left before I started writing this. We're official now! (Happy dancin)

   Oh, don't be jealous, Blog thing. You know I still love you.

   Anyways, I've got to get going. She went home to get cleaned up and then she's coming back over. I'm takin' my lady out!

PARTY MAN

   Well, Blog thing, it's party day.

   I know I dreamed about something last night. I woke up feeling kinda paranoid. Just can't remember what it was. Still got that vivid dream in the back of my mind.

   So I've been keeping myself busy in an effort to put that weird ass dream out of my head, so I went out and picked up a nice gift for Steve and Cynthia... it's a portable stripper pole. It's on this weighted base with wheels. I know. It's perfect! (You can thank me later, Steve)

   Yes, it's expensive for a gag gift, but how can you put a price on the inevitable looks on both of their faces when they see it? Exactly.

   Anyways, I'm about to head out. I'm eager to get my party on... not to mention eager to see Steph... I managed to eat a good meal and I picked up a big bottle of Gatoraid. Keep fed and fill up on electrolytes, Blog thing. That's the secret to avoiding a hangover.

   Don't wait up. If I do post something tonight I doubt it will be readable. Don't drink and blog, Blog thing.

NOT GOOD

   Hey... Blog thing.

   I've been stuck on that dream all day. It just kinda creeped me out big time. Tonight's not gonna be fun, I can tell already.

   I don't want to take any more of those pills, but on the other hand Steve & Cynthia's party is tomorrow.

   No sleepy means no happy fun time party guy...

   Keeping my fingers crossed.

NIGHTMARES AND DREAMSCAPES

  Holy shit, Blog thing!

  I've heard of lucid dreaming, but I never thought I'd ever experience it. It was so fucking vivid! And creepy... there was that...

   Anyway, I went to bed at a decent time and I figure I must have conked out pretty quick. Suddenly I'm having this dream.... I'm in bed, and I just get this feeling that something's outside, so I flip over on to my stomach and perch my arms and head up on the window sill. Sure enough I see somebody standing down on the sidewalk. Everything is so real at this point. I mean I can feel the cool breeze on my face from the open window, I can smell the faint hint of dust on the window screen, I can hear the sounds of the night... except crickets.... actually the only sound I could hear was the sounds from the road running by the apartment complex and the interstate on the other side of town... that is weird, I couldn't hear any wildlife at all... oh well, it's a dream.

   Anyway, I'm looking down at this guy. I can't make out any details because he's backlit by the street lights, but I can tell that he's bald and appears to be wearing a dark suit. He's looking in my direction and something's telling me that he's looking right at me. He then stretches out his arms like he's waiting for a hug. This is the part where I realize it's a dream. His arms are impossibly long, like that scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street. Like each arm is easily 6 feet, and then I notice that it's not just his arms, and it's not the way it was... what I mean is this guy... he's stretching. As I'm watching, his legs and his torso are becoming just as long as his arms.

   He's down there stretching out his arms for a great big hug and his movements are strange. I mean he's smooth and fluid and graceful in his movements, but it's like there's something going on there that I'm not seeing.

   It reminded me of those Ray Harryhousen movies with the stop action monsters that they film by taking a picture of the puppet, then going in and moving it just a fraction and taking another shot. On the finished film you've got a fully animated character, but your eye can pick up that slight jerk that gives away everything that was going on between the frames.

   This was like that, but different. I mean his movements were perfectly smooth... no jerkiness at all, but it's like my mind was picking up that there was more going on than my eyes were seeing, and it wasn't hidden hands coming in and moving this guy between the frames, it was this guy's hands reaching out and manipulating other things between the frames.

   And I'm thinking all of this in the middle of this dream and I'm getting freaked right the fuck out. I'm right in the middle of thinking what a fucked up dream this is and then I wake up... to sunshine.

   Somehow I've managed to sleep through to sunrise, and might have slept longer if that damed bird hadn't been chirping in my face...

   Yeah, that's the kicker. I woke up in the exact position I was in my dream. Perched up in the window with my nose touching the screen.

CREEP-A-RAMA PART DEUX

   Hello, Blog thing.

   Sitting here browsing the news while waiting for these pills to kick in. There's been another child abduction.

   Get this. Young girl's birthday in the park. Games, cake, piñata, the whole deal. 20 kids present plus parents, so that's 40 adults, give or take, not allowing for aunts and uncles and so forth.... the birthday girl goes missing right in the middle of everything.

   Again, no witnesses, no suspicious people or activity. She just went poof in the middle of her own party.

   Maybe not the best stuff to be reading just before bed.

NATURE'S REMEDY

   Met up with Steph for lunch again. She told me about some homeopathic pill with melatonin, tryptophan and serotonin or something. It's supposed to help you fall asleep naturally. So I ran to a nutrition center and picked some up.

   They weren't cheap, but Steph looked so freaking amazing today. How could she be wrong?

NO ES BUENO

   Oh helllll no, Blog thing.

   I don't think those pills are gonna work. Instead of putting me to sleep, it just made me all sluggish and groggy. My brain, on the other hand, felt like it was racing a million miles a minute. And then when I DID fall asleep, I had bad dreams.

   Nossir, I didn't like it.

COMEDY

   Why do doctors think they are comedians?

   The first thing this joker says to me is "So, why can't you sleep?"

   Really? Seriously?

   I was raised with the understanding that there are three types of people that you don't mess with:

1. people that handle your food 
2. people that handle your hair
3. people that handle your health.

   This alone stopped me from launching myself across the room and thoroughly pummeling said physician in the mouthal area.

   You're not funny, doc. Especially to someone who hasn't had a full night's sleep in more than a month.

   Anyways, he gave me some banza... benza... some kind of sleeping pill. Gonna give it a whirl and see what we see.

   He wasn't funny, Blog thing... he just wasn't.

KILLDARE

   Hello, Blog thing.

   It's doctor day... yay me.

   I'm about to spend money for someone to tell me that my sleeping habits are being disrupted.

   Blah. As long as something changes...

YOU WANT TO DO WHAT TO MY WHAT?

   Discovered "internet chat".....

   Found myself talking (if you can really call it that) to some woman who claimed to be able to cure my insomnia and have me sleeping like a baby. Always being game for a challenge, a said "you're welcome to try..."

   What followed was the most depraved, unmentionable, disturbingly taboo dialog I have ever experienced....

   I think I'm in love.

   Ok, it wasn't THAT bad... I've just never encountered a woman with that kind of vocabulary before.... the things she said....

   Dear God I hope she was actually a woman.....

NOT HAPPY

   Fuck you, Blog thing. You failed me.

   Actually nodded off in my chair. Had some crazy dream about being embraced/smothered by arms that weren't arms...

   Once again wide fucking awake. Bedtime snack is a big fat failure!

NEW PLAN

   Hello, Blog thing,

   Well, after last night's disasterous failure, I'm gonna switch it around tonight. I'm going to exercise early, then spend the evening relaxing. After that a nice bedtime snack and then hopefully it'll be joy joy happy sleeptime for this guy.

   Wish me luck, Blog thing.

CREEP-A-RAMA

   I take it back.

   Just read about a rash of child disappearances in the area. 5 kids in 3 weeks. All taken in plain view of their parents, yet no one actually saw anything. How could you not see someone taking your kid right in front of you?

   Fucking sickos out there, Blog thing.

SNOOZ-A-RAMA

Want a good way to bore yourself into catatonia? Read your local news. Good lord my town is boring....

BLAAAAHHHH

   Hello, Blog thing.

   Ok, sure, exercise helps you conk out fast.... of course, if you take a late night jog by the creepy woods, you have nightmares about being chased.... THROUGH the creepy woods.

   One hour of sleep. Wide awake now.... this bites.

MEH...

   Hello, Blog thing .

   Milk didn't work... neither did moving the bed. On the plus side, though, I'm diggin' the milk and the bed being under the window changed the whole dynamic of the room. The whole place seems... roomier, I dunno. I just like it.
   Met with Steph for lunch. She told me about Steve and Cynthia's anniversary party next week. Dunno how I could have forgot it. I'll need to find something nice for those two. They are fun people. Stupid insomnia.

   Damn, Steph looked good today. I'm going to have to make a move some day soon or someone else will...

   I'm rambling about stuff nobody cares about. Double damn, insomnia.

   Anyway, tonight? A mix of exercising and taking a stroll before bed. In otherwords, a late night jog. Should be fun.

THE LAND OF WHAT AND WHAT?

   I think I've found a new favorite bedtime drink.... warm milk with some honey in it. Not nearly as disgusting as it sounds. Dunno if it's gonna help me sleep, but it's tasty....

   I guess I'm gonna start picking some of the things on that list at random and give 'em a shot.

   So now to move that bed facing north... right under the window... get some of the cool night air in my face.

   Sounds nice.

DOCTOR, DOCTOR

   Hello, blog thing.

   So I've been searching around the internet for tips to help me sleep.... buncha freakin quacks out there... get this list of "helpful tips":

   See a doctor, take a warm bath, get a massage, listen to music, drink warm milk, drink herbal tea, eat a bedtime snack, avoid caffeine, alcohol and tobacco, sleep in a well-ventilated room, sleep on a good firm bed, sleep on your back, get some physical exercise during the day, keep regular bedtime hours, if you can't sleep, get up, don't sleep in, get up earlier in the morning, keep your bed a place for sleep, avoid naps avoid illuminated bedroom clocks...

   Sounds pretty straightforward, right? The list goes on...

   Counting sheep, sleep with your head facing north, don't watch TV or read before going to bed, toe wiggling, stomach rub, progressive relaxation, deep breathing, visualize something peaceful, visualize something boring, not thinking, smoke yourself to sleep, yawning, sex - alone or with others, backwards counting , South instead of North, earplugs, secure place, bedtime routine, hot water bottle, short walk before bed....

   Seriously? Some of this stuff just sounds stupid. And what's at the top of the list? See a doctor.... duh.... I'm making an appointment tomorrow.

HELLO, BLOG THING

   Pardon me if I seem new to all of this. It's because I am. New to all of this, that is. Until now all the internet meant to me was email and paying bills.

   That is until my sleep left me. Then I discovered this whole new world... wide web...

   I currently suffer from insomnia. Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular malady, it doesn't mean I don't sleep, although I do have my share of those nights... but what it means is I follow irregular sleeping patterns - long hours of restless tossing and turning followed by short periods of unrestful sleep. Most nights I'm lucky if I pull more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep.

   So what is there for me to do in the wee small hours waiting for the Sandman to quit fucking around and put me out other than surf the web?

   So whatever. A friend of mine suggested doing one of these blog things, because reading and writing is supposed to make you sleepy... as if just being sleepy was all I needed. Whatever again, she has a nice ass, so I'll try it.

... If you're reading this, Steph, you can't get mad at me. It's late and I'm delirious... and you DO have a spectacular ass... I wanna be friends with it, as Ron Burgundy would say...

   I'm gonna shut up now.

   I doubt she's reading this...